We try to keep the format simple and fun. You don’t need to join a club, pay membership, send photographs or give your life history. The devaluation of our home by parties is well into six figures, so we do look for a contribution to pool maintenance, damage, etc. from those who haven’t had us to a recent uncharged party. We throw parties while we enjoy them, not as a business. While revellers defray the costs of parties we can throw more of them. Parties start from 21:30 and stop when the last person leaves. To assist those who feel torn between eating out or frolicking, we ease the burden by feeding you to a fair standard. There are usually provisions for those who stay over for the apres-party gossip the following morning. If you don’t feel this gregarious, the Red Lion hotel in the village can be booked on               01923 855341     , fax 853438.

The facilities include a 50 foot long covered pool, 30 foot dance room with dance pole, sauna, hot tub, 3 secluded acres for summer evening revelry and a 500 square foot dungeon with winchable body hoist, stocks &c. Between two and five bedrooms are made available for associative therapy.

You should bring 50% more drink than you would normally take to a party – this much fun really is thirsty work. The local police know of the format and have assured us that they have no concerns in their professional capacity. They are usually outnumbered by their off-duty colleagues in attendance already (though these choose not to reveal their identity to most). However, they do sometimes observe leavers’ erratic driving style and one reveller did forego his licence as a result. Recently, a pedestrian flagged down a police car to complain of cars parked on the pavement. This is technically an offence which the police normally ‘turned a blind eye to’, but must now ‘do their job’, so park in the field behind the house where there is space for 100 cars. Access has now been improved so that anyone with an understanding of traction will be fine. If the ground is wet, the trick is never to stop until on the tarmac hard stand.

Attendance profile drifts with time, but the average age seems currently to be around 35. There is no restriction on upper age or physique, but it has been many months since we saw any one who had lost pride in their appearance. Minor adjustments are made occasionally to the emphasis of the DJ’s music to prevent us being overrun by head-bangers looking for a cheap evening out, but if he ‘takes inordinate time’ to play your choice, don’t invoke world war three, just accept that he has trouble integrating your rarefied tastes with those of the others present. When he needs a rest there is a jukebox with 160 dance tracks from the classic eras.

In spite of Janet giving enormous effort to put first timers at ease, the only negative feedback we had in two years was from a couple who left ‘confused and disappointed’ because no one had engaged them. They asked if we could place a manual of engagement on the wall. Could revellers please take a modicum of responsibility for their own interactions? Wouldn’t a safe ice-breaker be to ask a couple nearby what their preferred approach protocol is? The documentary apparently shocked lots of you with the effort we put in for your pleasure – any chance of revellers running the last lap without needing to be spoon-fed?